The Waterproof Products I Would Pack If I Were on Love Island USA

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I’m hopelessly devoted to Love Island USA. Once night falls, my eyes stay locked on the time, anxiously waiting for 9:00 PM so I can check in on my Sims. Having something to look forward to, then diving into the fan reactions on every social platform, is the spice of life.

Last week, I monetized this fixation by interviewing Ariana’s hairstylist, Carl Bembridge, for Allure. He did, in fact, pack about 70 pounds of hair for this season’s looks.

Even though I love watching it and have never been more single, I could never be on Love Island — mostly because I’m overage (33 1/2) and have a body type not typically shown on LIUSA. But also because:

• I can’t wear tight clothing for too long in any weather.

• Just the thought of wearing thick, camera-ready makeup every day for 12 hours straight makes me feel claustrophobic.

• My body literally cannot take heat due to antidepressants.

• I cannot mentally be away from Scorpion and my sisters for an undetermined amount of time without access to a phone.

• I hate removing my body hair. TikTok would be riddled with thinkpieces on my stubby legs and nearly visible bush. It wouldn’t be a statement, though — simply a combination of laziness and being genetically cursed with thick, abundant hair from the neck down.

• Naps are incredibly essential for me, as I have a nightmare disorder.

But if I were, I would want to be a casa girl, so I could come in halfway through and still possibly win. (But I’m not there to win. I’m there to fall deeply in love with a man who was most likely a single-cell organism in his last life.)

For a second, let’s imagine Love Island USA Devon.

I would…

• Get a lash lift, brow tint/lamination, a trim, and some browtox in preparation.

• Be THE fashion girl of the season like S6’s Leah.

• Never heat style my hair because it looks even better in a humid climate.

• Wear the fuck out of a tankini.

• Beg Tyler McGillivary, Ssense, or Lisa Says Gah to sponsor my outfits.

• Pack these waterproof products & my weight in sunscreen.

  

  • Danessa Myricks Colorfix Foils & Liquid Metals

  • Make Up For Ever Artist Color Crayons

  • Etude Curl Fix Mascara

  • Milk Makeup Cooling Water Jelly Tint

  • Violette_Fr Lip Nectar specifically in Pois de Senteur

  • Half Magic Beauty Chromaddition Shimmer

• Do makeup with these glittery, hyperflush vibes.

  

• Style my hair like these looks.

  

• Put on swimsuits like these during the day.

  

• Wear coverups like these for dates and the Hideaway.

• Wear these kinds of ethereal outfits at night and for firepitting.

  

Do you see the vision? Who am I coupled with in said vision? Please describe him in detail below.